Bill's Blog - November 16th
NEWS OF THE WILD

ANGRY

Do you recognize this person? More to the point, do I recognize this person?

"In the mid 1960’s, he was quite an angry man and had to leave Rochdale due to violence and drinking. He ended up in a hippie commune in London. His metal (sic) health doctor encouraged him to channel his anger into humour. He still has a bad temper and was reported to have struck John Craven with a tripod over a disagreement about tea!”

WHO IS IT?

That’s me that is, apparently, according to some website I accidentally visited the other day when I was idly passing a spare five or six hours Googling myself (all celebs do it).  Most of it is simply inaccurate or untrue. The mid 60’s were one of the happiest times of my life, when I was appearing on Broadway with John Cleese, and Tim Brooke Taylor and beginning a relationship with the lady who became my first wife. I had long left Rochdale. I left when I was 6! Presumably not due to violence or drinking. Well, not mine anyway.

The hippie commune bit has a smidgeon of truth in that during the 70’s a number of friends lived in a big house together. We had a cooking rota, but we weren’t hippies, and I didn’t “end up” there, I owned it! I like the idea of a “metal doctor”, heavy metal I presume, or was he a robot? Either way, I was never advised to channel anger into humour, though its not bad advice, and may indeed have been what I subconsciously did, but no one put it that way till I visited a psychotherapist relatively recently.

As for still having a bad temper – that’s not up to me to judge – but I have never even thought about striking John Craven, let alone with a tripod, and certainly not over a disgreement about tea!

FIGHT!

I would of course love to know where – or who - all this nonsense comes from, but what really intrigues me is: what exactly was the disagreement? Were John and I squabbling? “Youre drinking my tea!” “No I’m not, this is mine.” “No it isn’t.” “Yes it is.” Or we were arguing about what kind of tea we’d been given? “It’s Earl Grey.” “It’s Darjeeling.” “Earl Grey.” “Darjeeling”. Or was it simply an age old tribalism? “I’m a coffee man myself”. “I’m a tea man.” “Coffee”. “Tea.” ”Coffee.” “Tea.”  Which was best? Of course there was only one way to find out. FIGHT! At which point I struck John with my tripod.

GIVE IT TO HIM

And where did this assault take place? The fact that I had a tripod with me, suggests it was either a photographic or bird watching context. Maybe he was a guest on one of my shows, or I was a guest on his. I have certainly met and briefly worked with John Craven, but I like and admire him, and I hope the feeling is mutual. Indeed, I would go so far as to say that were we to find ourselves together when there was only one cup of tea left in the pot, I would gladly give it to him.

SLAPPER

The tripod myth baffles me, unless it stems from the time the two of us were broadcasting from Chelsea Flower Show and I got a bit too playful with a bunch of gladioli. Although I would point out that John retaliated by slapping me with a very large Iris. By the way, that last bit is as much of a lie as the stuff on the website.

CRIME GOES ON

I will admit to still getting angry, although these days my anger is likely to be contained by disappointment and despair, especially when things simply don’t seem to ever get better. For example, the RSPB recently announced figures of birds of prey poisoned, invariably by game keepers instructed by the owners of large estates. The numbers are much the same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and before that and so on... The statistics shift a tiny bit but clearly the crime goes on and on and on. If you want to know more please visit the RSPB website. You will be incensed, and you may resolve to publicly protest. Please do.