Bill's Blog - July 11th
NEWS OF THE WILD

BYE!

Well, there’s an irony. The newspaper whose name I have parodied is no more. The News of the World is an ex newspaper, but News of the Wild (see what I did there?) is NOT an ex blog. I shall continue to use the name, not to fondly commemorate the defunct rag, but to revel in its demise. Let’s face it, it was never a flagship for conservation and nature. Now it is extinct. I can think of several others that I wish would go the same way.

GONGS

Not that I am totally averse to bit of gutter press sensationalism. I don’t always even demand that a story is entirely true, as long as it is funny. ‘Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster’ is a great headline. Almost as daft as ‘Tim Brooke Taylor and Graeme Garden awarded OBE’s!‘ An amusing idea, but a totally galling truth. Well, to me it is. I am sure you are all aware that I was awarded an OBE long long ago – about 10 years I think it was – in recognition of “my services to conservation.” In other words, for making a valuable and dignified contribution to British society. That, surely, is what OBE’s are for.

All due respect to Tim and Graeme, but I have rarely considered them to be either valuable or dignified.

WHAT!?

So what - I wondered - have they done to deserve gongs? I re-consulted the newspaper, realizing by now that this was not a spoof. TBT and GG had indeed been awarded OBE’s “in recognition of their services to light entertainment.”! Twelve years of ‘I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again’, ten years of ‘The Goodies.’ Hit records, international TV Awards, best selling Xmas Annuals, all contributing to the health of the British economy, and the amusement of the British people. Not quite as noble as “services to conservation”, but we all appreciate a good laugh, and if the powers that be (it’s not the Queen you know. It’s her honours list, but she doesn’t decide who’s on it) see fit to rank Brucie’s tap dancing as of greater value than the work of a pioneer heart surgeon, then so be it.  

BLONDE

That is not my complaint. The fact is I am affronted, nay hurt that Tim and Graeme have been rewarded for performing services to light entertainment that I wrote! I am not saying they didn’t contribute to the scripts, but I contributed more. Well, more than Tim, and - if you count the ‘Funky Gibbon’ and other hits - more than Graeme even. And yet I am not mentioned. What does this imply? That the adjudicator – maybe it WAS the Queen - likes their stuff, but not mine? I bet that was it. I can hear her now: “I quite fancy the blonde with the double barreled name, and the geek with the mutton chop whiskers is strangely impressive, but I can’t abide that little scruff bag who fancies himself as a pop star.”

At which point, an equerry probably reminded her Majesty; “We gave him an OBE 10 years ago, ma’m. For conservation!“ "Conversation! I’m surprised he can talk!” “No, ma’m conservation. Wildlife, the countryside” “Oh, getting muddy. And probably making a fuss about my family shooting things. So, you’re telling me he wrote “I’m Sorry I haven’t a Clue”. “Nobody writes it ma’m ,it is completely improvised!” “Oh sure, and I’m Cleopatra!” “In any case ma’m, Mr Oddie is not in “I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue.” “Ah, well that’s why it’s funny! And that’s why he is not getting another OBE, and the other two are.“ “For services to “ I’m Sorry I haven’t a Clue“?

"Exactly."

HAVE IT

So there you have it. I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again, the Goodies, the Goodies books, the hit records, not to mention scripts for Doctor in the House, Doctor at Large, and so on. Hours, no days, weeks, months, probably years of graft, inspiration and rehearsal, and yet it all counts for nothing compared with a spoof panel game that Graeme thought of one evening in the pub and they make up as they go along. Now THAT’S what I call services to Light Entertainment. Give those boys an OBE. I shall of course be returning mine. At least I got it back in the days when it meant something.

I CANNOT BE SERIOUS

Now……Just in case anybody anywhere is reading this diatribe and concluding that I am genuinely miffed, it is of course merely the kind of ribbing that I have been subjected to by Tim and Graeme ever since I accepted my OBE. As Graeme himself put it: “It is a great honour, but the downside is we have lost our teasing rights!” Yes fellas, you certainly have, but I’ve regained mine.

ENVY

Ah yes, the petty jealousies of showbiz. It never leaves you you know. The world of conservation and wildlife is so much more – what’s the word? - civilized. Well, actually I have seen twitchers come to blows when somebody’s scared off a rare bird by getting to close with a camera. Then there is the rivalry and envy when it comes to comparing “life lists”. Mind you, I rarely witness such unseemly behaviour these days, because I tend to go it alone.

If there is any competition, it tends to be with myself. For example, a couple of weeks ago my wife and I enjoyed a delightfully relaxing week in southern Portugal. I didn’t even have a car, but contented myself with morning and evening ambles round the local fields and woods, particularly keeping an eye on the fences, and even more so on the telephone wires. What did birds do before them? What would birdwatchers do without them? There aren’t many more productive wires than those that run about half a mile inshore from the salt marshes of the Algarve.